We all get angry and we all know how devastating effects such behaviour can have on the people around us. Why do we act in this way, so often without real reasons? Why do we loose control and act in the total opposite of the way we should and normally do? It is not an easy task to answer these questions! By no means I am trying to do so, but, as usual, provide a bit of an insight. To start with, take a look at the following account of a recent incident that involved my father and me.
The situation
It was a beautiful and sunny day and we planned with my dad to have a dinner on our rooftop terrace. My dad had an appointment at 7 PM and had to leave at 6:30 PM. So we decided to start preparing the meal at 5 PM. But 5 o’clock came and went and I only saw my father in the kitchen at about 5:45 PM. We both, not being used to early dining had forgotten to start cooking. As it usually happens, my dad went to cook and I was going to prepare the table. However, I did not look at the watch and had no idea how late it really was. More than half way through my task, I thought I needed a cold shower because I felt a bit sick from the hot temperature (it was actually VERY hot that day). So I went to have a shower thinking that it will be a while before my father could finish cooking and that I would still have time to finish preparing the table before he actually would do so. I told my father what I was going to do and jumped under the cold water. To my surprise, after taking the shower I saw my father already eating. As I was taking my seat, he made angry remarks about my failure to prepare the table, implying that I would be me fault if he was late for his appointment, and showing discontent with my performance. I argued that I had no idea how late it was and should not be treated in this way, especially because it was him who did not show up in the kitchen on time at first place. Because it was his appointment, it was also his responsibility for the dinner to be on time. We settled there.
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| Crime scene |
This is the case. But what does it mean?
I should begin with yet another question. Namely, why is that a mature man, who knows how to use his brain (wrote several books, speaks six languages!) behaves in this irresponsible way? After all, this situation had no effect on the final outcome of the case – he wasn’t late in the end, and it was easy to see that he wouldn’t be. It only brought discomfort to the both of us (why ruin such a beautiful day anyway?). Even if I did not prepare the table on purpose, why respond with anger and aggression rather than trying to find out what really went wrong and attempting to fix it?
Fight or flee?
I am sure that there is more than one factor written into this. But one particularly seems on heavy duty here. Which one is it? We are all familiar with the “fight or flee” concept. This is where the answer lies.
Our brain is divided into several parts. Amygdala is one of the most primitive regions of the brain, the seat of fear and aggression. It is the impulse centre that controls our decisions when our thinking shuts down. In the words of the psychiatrist Edward Hallowell:
“When those deep brain areas are active, they shanghai your cortical neurons. Your IQ plummets. Your creativity, your sense of humour – all of that disappears. You’re stupid. ”
So, it appears that in stressful situations we can be prompted to enter the fight or flee mode, sometimes for no obvious reasons. In this mode we are not able to make rational choices. We loose control because our decisions are handled by amygdala not by the cortex, which does so under normal circumstances.
Taking control... of yourself!
Now, what is the point that I am trying to make here? Take another look at my father’s reaction in the case above. Now, consider the following alternative.
- My dad, thinking to himself: “Ok, the table is not ready, and I can be late. But there is nothing that will change the past. I must act to lessen the consequences. I can use this situation to demonstrate to my son why he shouldn’t leave a job undone. We can also learn about how important communication under pressure is.”
Can you see how different the picture of my father when comparing the above with the actual situation is!? It is very easy to see the contrast between them two. What is it? It’s control. My dad’s reaction was a sign of him not controlling himself, whereas in the alternative scenario he was totally in control.
So, the point that I am trying to make here is that stressful situations which we all go through on a regular basis whether at school, work or a crowded train home can easily be turned to our advantage if only we are able to handle our emotions. It is not the above average leadership skills, not the high IQ, not even mastering the art of the rhetoric, but simply being able to handle that “inner caveman” what really matters when trying to win others. Or in the words of Jeffrey Fox, author of How to Become CEO:
“Keep yourself in control so that you can keep control of the situation”.
Easier said than done? Maybe. But this is exactly why YOU can make a difference. Most of the others will have already given up!
